20111203

My daughters impress me...

I have two wonderful daughters, each with challenges I can related to, and they both have the strength and character to be remarkable individuals on a day-to-day basis. They have fears and follies that challenge them, they have trials and tribulations that make life scary, interesting, and wonderful. They are good young people with good hearts and sharp minds. And they both suffer as I have at times with various afflictions of mind and body, yet the seem better off than I was at that age, and yet not.

They are affected by the strife between their parents, they feel the tension, the angst that I cause their mother, and that their mother causes me, and they hate it. They want none of it and I both sympathize and am dumbfounded as to how to remove them from it. For the bulk of their years I would not speak ill of their mother, but I've resigned to the fact that their mother would put them in the middle. I do my best to encourage patience with their mother and re-enforce the notion that they need their mother, but I'm tired of being the nice-guy, walked on, again and again because I'm supposed to be positive.

I have been the one who defends the character of a person who seems to have no respect for others, no interest in anyone beyond herself, to my daughters. I have endured being financially raped by the courts by a system that is biased, stupid, or just plan ignorant to the pain and suffering that it has caused. me. A system that has stolen over $15,000 from me, and cause me no end of stress and frustration. And a system that would do it again in a heartbeat and because of that I'll give in again and again because it's safer than going before some idiot judge who may just tell me I'm at fault for having the brains to see my ex-wife is a vindictive...

I loved her once, but she never respected me for who I was. My relationship with her was a product of low self-esteem and I regret my own stupidity in marrying her. She is a person I cannot even contemplate trust in, and if I knew what I know now about her I would never have set foot in her world. I pray that God delivers me from this hell and I can just leave this behind. It's killing me.

I do NOT give up. I forge ahead, persisting in being a good person, trying to find hope and peace and doing EVERYTHING IN MY POWER to provide for my daughters, but I am beaten. I remain defeated and at a loss, rarely having a moment or opportunity for peace in my own being. This is why I believe in God.

My faith delivers me from evil, gives me peace and hope, and takes the burden of hate and jealousy from my shoulders. If you don't believe in Jesus Christ or God, you're missing something. No, not at the moment of this entry, but it will, soon as I get to that part of my day when I stand, naked before my God (and usually in the shower to be honest) and pray for his guidance and for His will to lead me where I need to go,  what I need to do. I release control of my fate, my destiny, to His will. This does not mean I give up. I pledge my support and my intent to live as I believe he would like me to live and beg him forgive me for my human flaws. I ask him to remind me as I do what I do, day-to-day, to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"

Indeed, what would Jesus do?

I have been challenged recently with fears of job loss, which is like PTSD for the repeatedly downsized. Combine that with my experiences in courts over divorce and custody issues and I'm just burnt out. I want to realize some peace and my faith is truly my only out.

I refuse to feel guilt for my actions, I try, daily to be a good person and just like you, I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I am thankful that those around me, my friends, my family, the people that love me for who I am, are there to re-assure me that I'm on the right track, or not. I believe a real friend will tell you when you're being an idiot. I have, and love, each of them and I appreciate them as much as I can. Many may see my life as blessed, and they are right. I count myself as truly blessed to have the friends and family I do, and I try to give back, not just to them, but to others through whatever means. I have been blessed with a personality, a desire, that begs me to help others, so I do.

I live by the motto, "Happy to help, any time."

I give what I can, when I can, to whomever needs it, I have plans to make a difference in bigger and bigger ways, and do what I can to show people that God is real and influences the tides of life. I have witnessed the good, and endured His challenges. I am thankful to my God for his graciousness, and can honestly say I have been rewarded by my faith.

I am at peace, and very thankful I have two wonderful daughters. I pray for them to find faith too, but I also pray for:

  • My ex-wife
  • People around me in trouble
  • Strangers I see as I go through my day that seem to be having trouble
  • Drivers who are frustrated in Traffic
  • My friends and family as they have their lives to contend with
  • You

Praying for someone is not a judgement, it is a request for God to look in on someone and help them find peace. So many feel confronted when being told of the Word of God, they feel accused of being bad people, of being judged, but that's not the intent. Admittedly it is how it can be perceived, but I assure you it is not the intent. This is something that Christians need to work on when they are trying to "save" others. Some people are offended that the person who is accosting them thinks they need to be "rescued" in the first place. I felt the same way.


I say this with all my heart and soul, as a gift to you:
God be with you today and always. Let him into your heart and allow him to guide you.  Do not judge, for that is not our burden, but His. Look for the good in people and pray for those that are embattled with sin and the burdens of life, that they may find peace. The Lord, Jesus Christ, loves each and every one of us and asks only one thing... love Him, trust in Him, believe in Him, and when you can do that, help others find their way as well. Peace is in the faith you have in God.

Bless you. I am now going to have my own conversation with God.

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